Family Talk with Dr. James Dobson

The Class Clown

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

The class clown. Who doesn’t remember the one person in school who was always able to make everyone else crack up at the most inopportune times? I’m Dr. James Dobson with My Family Talk.

You know, it’s my belief that boards of education assign at least one clown per class to make sure that schoolteachers earn every dollar of their salary. These skilled little disrupters are usually boys. They often have reading or other academic problems; and they may be small in stature, though not always; and they’ll do anything for a laugh. Their parents and teachers are usually unappreciative of their humor, and may never recognize that behind the smiles and the laughter is the pain of inferiority. Humor is a classic response to feelings of pain and loneliness. That’s why behind many successful comedians is a hurting little boy or girl. Jonathan Winters’ parents were divorced when he was seven, and he used to cry alone because other children said he had no father. Joan Rivers jokes incessantly about her unattractiveness as a girl. She said she was such a dog, her father had to throw a bone down the aisle to get her married.

These comedians got their training during childhood, using humor as a defense against childhood hurts. That’s also the inspiration for the class clown. By making an enormous joke out of everything, he conceals the self-doubt that churns inside. If we understand that frame of reference, then, we should know how to help him cope with peace and tranquility in the classroom. This is Dr. James Dobson with My Family Talk.

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Compensating for Handicaps

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

Hello everyone. This is Dr. James Dobson for My Family Talk. You know, a difficult childhood leaves some people handicapped and struggling for the rest of their lives. But for others, these early hardships actually fuel great achievement and success.

In a study that has now become a classic, called “Cradles of Imminence” Victor and Mildred Goertzel investigated the home backgrounds of 400 highly successful people, and their purpose was to try to identify the early experiences that may have contributed to later greatness. All of the subjects are now well-known for their accomplishments: Einstein, Freud, Winston Churchill, and many others. The backgrounds of these people proved very interesting. Three-fourths of them came from troubled childhoods, enduring poverty and broken homes, or parental abuse, and one-fourth of them had physical handicaps. Most of the writers and playwrights had watched their own parents embroiled in psychological dramas of one sort or another. The researchers concluded that the need to compensate for disadvantages was a major factor in the struggle for personal achievement. Now, the application to your own family should be obvious. If your child has gone through a traumatic experience or is saddled with physical handicaps, don’t give up hope. Help them identify their strengths and natural abilities with which to compensate for the presence of hardships.

Who knows? That problem that seems so formidable today may become the inspiration for greatness tomorrow. This is Dr. James Dobson with My Family Talk.

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Danae’s Night Terror

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

We talked yesterday about night terrors, those frightening experiences that some children have while sleeping and that are very different from nightmares. Fortunately, there is no known harm associated with night terrors, nor do they seem to be related to stress in the waking hours.

My own daughter had such an experience when she was four years old. Suddenly about midnight, she began screaming from her bed. When I reached her side, she was babbling excitedly about the fact that the wall that was about to fall on her. She was saying, “Daddy, it’s falling, it’s falling. The wall is falling!” ,even though she wasn’t awake she was so concerned about the wall falling. I took the child’s hand and I pressed it against the wall, and I said, “Honey, that wall has been there a long time. That’s very solid. It isn’t going to fall. You are OK. Go back to sleep. Everything is alright.” As she settled down in the covers, I went back to bed and was quickly asleep again. But six hours later, I promise you, on the morning of Feb 9, 1971, a powerful 6.0 earthquake rattled the city of Los Angeles and shook my wife and me right out of bed. I rushed to Danae’s room to bundle her up to get her out of the way of that wall, which was violently jumping and shaking above her bed.

Did our four-year-old have some kind of forewarning of the earthquake in the midnight hours? I don’t know, but I’ll tell you this: I made up my mind to believe her the next time she tells me the wall was going to fall. With My Family Talk, this is Dr. James Dobson.

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Night Terrors

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

Have you ever been awakened in the middle of the night by a boy or girl who was obviously terrified but couldn’t tell you why. That child may have just experienced what is known as a night terror—which is very different from a nightmare. It’s important to understand the difference.

If children are awakened in the middle of a nightmare, they can usually describe the “story” and tell you what was so scary about it. Then they can be comforted and tucked in for the rest of the night. But youngsters in the midst of night terrors usually can’t be brought to consciousness, even though they may sit up straight in bed with eyes open, screaming and shaking pitifully. It’s as though they’re in another world, which won’t even be remembered the next morning. It appears that night terrors occur in what is known as stage four sleep, which is deeper and farther from consciousness that any other human experience. In this state, the body mechanisms are reduced to a bare minimum to sustain life. Breathing, heart rate, metabolism, and every other function go into super-slow motion. Nightmares, on the other hand, occur in stage three sleep which means they’re closer to consciousness and are linked to events in one’s waking life.

The good news is that there appear to be no physical or psychological problems associated with night terrors. You can, in fact, prevent them with a mild dose of medication. However, most physicians don’t recommend doing that unless they’re disturbing the parent’s stage four sleep. With My Family Talk, this is Dr. James Dobson.

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A Child Understands Divorce

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

A high school teacher sent me this poem written by one of her students entitled, "Does a Child Understand?”

These are her words,?

"Such a touchy topic;

does a child understand the gradual separation of a woman and a man?

Flashbacks haunt my thoughts; those scary, scary words.

Why can't I just erase the threats that I overheard?

Mommy's body pushed and the vase that's on the floor.

Mommy crying in such pain; Dad runs out the door.

I'm frozen in the recurrent scene.

No crying or speaking. Why?

I'm filled with fear and sorrow, but no tear slips from my eye.

'Don't tell anyone,' I'm told.

'Yes. All right, I won't. But what if...' 'No, not anyone!'?

Oh, then of course, I don't.

Gone is the caring, the family I want to be.

In it's place there's something horrid; lying, pretending, enmity.

Does a child understand

the sudden coldness in the air;

the rotten words that fly about?

The nights when no one's there.

The crescendo of hatred builds.

I cover my ears with my hands.

'Why them? Why me? Why my family?'?

I do not understand.”

A touching poem, indeed, that speaks of the real tragedy of divorce. With My Family Talk, I'm Dr. James Dobson.

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Diagnosing Attention Deficit Disorders

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

We talked yesterday about the syndrome known as Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD. But how can a parent know that his or her child is affected with this neurological disorder? I’m Dr. James Dobson with My Family Talk.

To recap, children with ADD are often disorganized, easily distracted, impatient, frustrated, impulsive, insecure and have trouble making and keeping friends. The most hyperactive of them can be frantically driven from within — they are all afterburner with no rudder. On the positive side, they are often very creative, intuitive and highly intelligent.

AS for how you as a parent can recognize such a child in your home — it is unwise to attempt to make the diagnosis yourself. There are many other problems, both psychological and physical, that can cause similar symptoms. Disorders of the thyroid, for example, can make a child hyperactive or sluggish; depression and anxiety can cause the distractibility associated with ADD. Therefore, you must have assistance from a physician, a child developmentalist or a psychologist who can confirm the diagnosis.

The sooner you can get that youngster in to see a person who specializes in this disorder, the better able you will be to respond appropriately. Historically, some of the most respected world leaders were individuals with ADD, and instead of it being a handicap, it became the source of their greatness. Don’t despair. If these children are understood and handled properly, they can become highly productive and successful people, as they grow older.

With My Family Talk, I’m Dr. James Dobson.

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Attention Deficit Disorders

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

Hello, everyone, let’s talk for a moment about Attention Deficit Disorder. I’m Dr. James Dobson, with My Family Talk.

ADD has become somewhat controversial in recent years, so much so in fact that some people think it doesn’t even exist. I assure you that it does, and parents who are raising one of these unique youngsters understand that fact very well. Admittedly, the condition tends to be over-diagnosed, and it’s sometimes used to mask behavior problems and improper discipline. But when the diagnosis is valid, specific help for moms and dads is needed.

ADD is an inherited neurological syndrome that affects approximately 5% of children in the US. It refers to those who are easily distracted, and have a low tolerance for boredom or frustration. They often have trouble finishing tasks or remembering details. Many can’t remain seated for more than a few minutes. They are often very bright and creative, yet they’re seen as lazy, disorganized and disruptive. As a result, they may struggle with low self-esteem and have trouble making friends.

If you have a child whom you suspect has ADD, you need to seek the help of a knowledgeable professional. We’ll talk about how to get that assistance in tomorrow’s commentary.

For My Family Talk, I’m Dr. James Dobson.

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Keeping Them Alive

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

We’ve been talking all this week about boys; and how they are undeniably different from girls. I’m Dr. James Dobson for My Family Talk, and I wrote in my book, Bringing Up Boys, that one of the scariest aspects of raising sons is their tendency to risk life and limb for no good reason.

It begins very early. If a toddler can climb on it, he will jump off it. He careens out of control toward tables, tubs, pools, steps, trees and streets. He will eat anything but food and loves to play in the toilet. He makes “guns” out of cucumbers or toothbrushes and likes digging around in drawers, pill bottles and Mom’s purse. She has to watch him every minute to keep him from killing himself. He loves to throw rocks, play with fire and shatter glass. As he gets older, he is drawn to everything dangerous — skateboards, rock climbing, hang gliding, motorcycles and mountain bikes. Not every boy is like this, of course, but the majority of them are.

A study by Licette Peterson confirmed that girls are more fearful than boys. For example, they brake sooner when riding their bikes. They try not to make the same mistake twice. Boys, on the other hand, are slower to learn from calamity. They tend to think that their injuries were caused by “bad luck.” Maybe their luck will be better next time. Besides, scars are cool.

It’s just the way they are made. With My Family Talk, I’m Dr. James Dobson.

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Why They’re Like They Are

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

Hi, everyone, I’m Dr. James Dobson with My Family Talk. We’ve been talking this week about my book, Bringing Up Boys — who are clearly a breed apart. I quoted one mother who said “[the] tendency [of boys] to leap — and then listen” — drives her crazy. “I can’t just tell my boys, ‘Clean up’,” she says. “If I do, they’ll put one or two toys away and assume that the task is done. I’ve learned that I have to be very, very specific.” This mother has found that boys do not respond to subtle hints but need requests clearly outlined. “I’ll put a basket of clean laundry on the stairs, and the boys will pass it by twenty times and not once will it occur to them to stop and carry it upstairs,” she says.

Does that sound familiar? It’s one of the five-year-old boys at a birthday party who will probably throw cake, or put his hands in the punch bowl, or mess up the games for the girls. Why are they like this? Some would say their mischievous nature has been learned from the culture. Really?! Then why are boys more aggressive in every society around the globe? And why did the Greek philosopher Plato write more than 2,300 years ago, “Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable”

The reason is testosterone. It’s the high-octane fuel that runs the masculine engine. With My Family Talk, I’m Dr. James Dobson.

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Women Care More About the Home

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

Someone said, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” I’m Dr. James Dobson with My Family Talk.

One thing that men need to understand is that, generally, women tend to care more about the home and everything in it than they do. It’s certainly true in my house. Let me give you an example: A few years ago my wife and I hired a plumber to install a gas barbecue unit in the backyard and then we left for the day. When we returned, we both observed that the barbecue was mounted about eight inches too high. Shirley and I stood looking at the appliance and our reactions were quite different. I said, “Yes, it’s true. The plumber made a mistake. The barbecue unit is a bit too high. By the way, what are we going to do for dinner tonight?” But Shirley reacted a little more emphatically. She said, “I don’t think I can stand that thing sticking up in the air like that.” Now I could have lived the rest of my life without even thinking about that barbecue unit, but to Shirley it was a big deal. Why? Because to a man a home is a place where he can relax and kick off his shoes and be himself. To a woman, especially a homemaker, the house is an extension of herself. She expresses her individuality and her personality through it.

That’s why a husband would be wise to recognize this differing perspective and to remount the barbecue unit if that’s what it takes. This is Dr. James Dobson with My Family Talk.

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The Fallout From Divorce

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

Divorce, which may seem like an easy solution to painful problems, typically leads to greater, not lesser, unhappiness. I’m Dr. James Dobson with My Family Talk.

Dr. Linda J. Waite, a sociology professor at the University of Chicago, said that staying married should not be done just for the children’s sake. It is often the better alternative for adults too. “Divorce,” she said, “has been oversold.” Indeed, the pain of divorce extends beyond parents and children to create heartache and distress for other extended family members. The most recent census revealed that, as a result of divorce and several other factors, there are currently 2.4 million grandparents who act as the primary caregivers for their grandchildren. Many of these senior citizens are ill equipped, both physically and financially, to care for children on a full-time basis. They thought they had completed their parenting responsibilities, but found themselves strapped again with the difficult responsibilities better handled by younger people.

Dr. Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, explained why troubled marriages often survive and prosper. “The conventional belief is that when a marriage is down, it is done … But what we are seeing with [our findings] is that there are couples who are basically down, but the relationship bounces back.

Despite these encouraging results, families continue to splinter at an alarming rate, creating chaos for this generation and those to come. With My Family Talk, I’m Dr. James Dobson.

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