By Dr. Meg
Question: How do you talk to a child, in this case my 6-year-old nephew, about how it is no OK for an adult to hurt you?
I've seen his mom be rough with him out of frustration and anger, and though I'm not in a position to confront her, I want him to know he can tell me if she really hurts him.
And, I just saw a video of a teacher who roughed up a 6yo in a hallway at school. I want him to know he can tell me anything, and that it is NOT OK for an adult, even his mom or teacher to hurt him, but at the same time not scare him?
Helping children understand that there are behaviors that adults do which are wrong is an important yet tricky thing to do. Parents want their children to respect adults but at the same time recognize when an adult is crossing a line and harming them. I have found that the best way to do this is to first identify any harmful behavior that would make the child uncomfortable. For instance, I would say something like this to a child, “Tommy, there are many things that kids and adults do which can hurt children- either by making them feel sad, disappointed or very upset. As a grown-up, I’ve known children who have had their feelings hurt by a classmate saying something mean to them at school but I’ve also known teachers who have said mean things to kids at school.”
After you say something like this, watch the child’s face closely to see if he resonates with what you are saying. You could continue with, “Often grown-ups go through times when they lose their tempers and hit kids or say hurtful things to them. Sometimes even parents do this- they don’t mean to, but they make mistakes like this. Has this ever happened to you?”
The best way to help a child open up to you is by keeping him from being defensive about his mother or father. If you come across as critical of either parent, the child won’t say anything because he feels it is his duty to defend his parent. If you identify things which hurt his feelings (something his mother might have said or done) and you present it in a way which makes him feel that you understand his mother and don’t want to demean her, he’ll talk to you.
Once he tells you what is going on, it is important for you to simply listen. Then, ask pointed questions about how he felt when that something happened. Talk about him, not his mother and you’ll stay on safe territory as far as he’s concerned.
If you find that his mother is abusive, then you need to intervene. Try to talk to her but don’t tell her that your nephew has been talking- this will come back to him and he’ll stop. Or, you could try talking to her close friend, husband, etc- someone who can get through to her. If you do talk to her, tell her that you are concerned because she appears stressed and that you want to help her with that stress. Beginning with a conversation about her health, rather than her son’s will keep her open to what you have to say.
Related Post: Are You A Yeller?
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Pediatrician, mother and best-selling author of six books, Dr. Meg Meeker is the country’s leading authority on parenting, teens and children’s health.
Dr. Meg writes with the know-how of a pediatrician and the big heart of a mother because she has spent the last 30 years practicing pediatric and adolescent medicine while also helping parents and teens to communicate more deeply about difficult topics such as sex, STDs and teen pregnancy. Her work with countless families over the years served as the inspiration behind her new groundbreaking book, The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers, Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose and Sanity out from Ballantine Books. She is also the author of the online course, "The 12 Principles of Raising Great Kids," part of The Strong Parent Project.
Dr. Meg’s popularity as a speaker on key issues confronting American families has created a strong following on her blogs for Psychology Today. She has also spoken nationally on teen health issues, including personal appearances on numerous nationally syndicated radio and television programs. Additionally, Dr. Meg lends her voice to regular features in Physician Magazine and Psychologies (UK) and was a contributor to QUESTIONS KIDS ASK ABOUT SEX: Honest Answers for Every Age, The Complete Book of Baby and Child Care (Tyndale House Publishers) and High School Science text, Holt-Rhinehart and Winston, 2004.
Dr. Meg is presently re-certifying with the American Board of Pediatrics and is a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics as well as the National Advisory Board of the Medical Institute, Clinical Assistant Professor, Department of Pediatrics and Human Development at Michigan State University; Munson Hospital Family Practice Residency Training Program 1998-present.
Dr. Meeker lives and works in Traverse City, MI where she shares a medical practice with her husband, Walter. They have four grown children.
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