FamilyTalk

Suddenly, Virtue is a Necessity

In the previous article I wrote, "We have fallen into certain behavioral patterns that weaken the marital bond and interfere with long-term relationships." There has been no greater example of this assault on the institution of marriage than the sexual revolution that invaded our thinking in the late 1960s. And yes, I am still angry about it. Those of us who draw our values from Scripture were aghast and dismayed when a four-thousand-year-old moral code was summarily chucked in the trash. The dam which contained the great reservoir of sexual energy suddenly gave way, releasing an avalanche of promiscuity on everyone downstream. Professors and religious leaders who should have known better used their platforms to endorse premarital sex, extramarital affairs (remember Open Marriage?), homosexual lifestyles, and about every wretched thing that two or four or twenty people could do together.

I still have an article in my files from "Time" magazine, dated December 13, 1971, in which four mainline churches announced their new perspective on sex outside of marriage. They concluded after careful analysis that the commandment "Thou shalt not" really meant "maybe," and that sex was intended to be enjoyed by any two lovers of either sex who could conjure up some kind of "meaningful relationship." At last, people had been "liberated" from their sexual "bondage." Millions celebrated between the sheets.

Now, over twenty years later, we're reeling under an epidemic of thirty-eight sexually transmitted diseases, with devastating new microorganisms showing up every few years. Cervical cancer in young women has soared to unprecedented rates. An AIDS epidemic literally threatens the entire human family, and twenty million Americans are afflicted with genital herpes. They can expect to suffer from it for the rest of their lives. Obscene publications and films have become so offensive that uninitiated viewers often become nauseated when seeing them. Millions of girls are having babies before they're out of childhood. One and a half million abortions are occurring every year in the United States alone. And most importantly, the family has been deeply wounded, and may never recover.

These are the trappings of our great experiment with liberation. Even those outside the Christian faith are now agreeing that the sexual revolution was an unmitigated disaster. As it turns out, abstinence before marriage, and life-long fidelity were pretty good ideas after all. Some sociologists are also rediscovering the benefits of sexual restraint--as though they had stumbled onto a brand new concept. Others are still unwilling to admit that there are immutable moral issues at stake here. Instead, they are searching for ways to continue our promiscuity without being hurt by it. They are recommending "safe sex" to the adventuresome in the hopes that condoms will protect us from the ravages of disease. Tragedy is inevitable. There is no such thing as "safe sex" just as there is no safe sin! When a person chooses to live in direct contradiction to the laws of God, there is no place to hide.

To those who propose the condom as the answer to AIDS, let me ask this important question. If you knew that the person to whom you were sexually attracted was dying of this dreaded disease, would you depend on a thin rubber sheath to protect you from its contagion? Would you exchange sweat and saliva with that infected person? I doubt it. Speaking only of the genital implications, the failure rate of condoms when used as intended, i.e., preventing pregnancy through vaginal intercourse, is around 10 percent. How much more commonly do they tear or disintegrate when homosexuals use them in the unnatural act of anal intercourse? Who knows? Of this I am certain: There are inevitable consequences to sin, and we are destined to suffer when we defy those basic commandments. The wages of sin is death, still! It always will be. Condoms or no condoms.

What I am recommending to my unmarried reader is this: STAY OUT OF BED UNLESS YOU GO THERE ALONE! Not only is virginity the only way to avoid disease, it is also the best foundation for a healthy marriage. That's the way the system was designed by the Creator and no one has yet devised a way to improve on His plan. We are sexual creatures, both physically and psychologically. Our very identity ("Who am I?") begins with gender assignment and the implications of masculinity versus femininity. Virtually every aspect of life is influenced by this biological foundation. Who can deny the hormonal and reproductive forces that shape the way we think and behave? Given this nature and the vast significance it carries, even an atheist should have recognized the dangers of the sexual revolution and the changes it portended. Any upheaval of such proportions was certain to have far-reaching consequences for the stability of the family. How could we have expected to preserve symbiotic relationships between men and women when the rules governing our sexual behavior were turned upside down? Family disintegration was inevitable.

Let me explain why sexual abstinence is so important before marriage and how it is related to the process of bonding. To do so, I will quote from my earlier book, LOVE MUST BE TOUGH, in which I discussed the research findings of Dr. Desmond Morris. These insights were conveyed to me through the writings of my good friend Dr. Donald Joy, and I am grateful to him for bringing them to my attention. I consider the concept of marital bonding to be one of the most vital understandings ever offered on the subject of long-term marriage. Read carefully, please.

Bonding refers to the emotional covenant that links a man and woman together for life and makes them intensely valuable to one another. It is the specialness that sets those two lovers apart from every other couple on the face of the earth. It is God's gift of companionship to those who have experienced it.

But how does this bonding occur and why is it missing in so many relationships? According to Drs. Joy and Morris, bonding is most likely to develop among those who have moved systematically and slowly through twelve steps during their courtship and early marriage. These stages, described below, represent a progression of physical intimacy from which a permanent commitment often evolves.

1. Eye to body. A glance reveals much about a person—sex, size, shape, age, personality and status. The importance people place on these criteria determines whether or not they will be attracted to each other.

2. Eye to eye. When the man and woman who are strangers to each other exchange glances, their most natural reaction is to look away, usually with embarrassment. If their eyes meet again, they may smile, which signals that they might like to become better acquainted.

3. Voice to voice. Their initial conversations are trivial and include questions like "What is your name?" or "What do you do for a living?" During this long stage the two people learn much about each other's opinions, pastimes, activities, habits, hobbies, likes and dislikes. If they're compatible, they become friends.

4. Hand to hand. The first instance of physical contact between the couple is usually a non-romantic occasion such as when the man helps the woman descend a high step or assists her as she walks around an obstacle. At this point either of the individuals can withdraw from the relationship without rejecting the other. However, if continued, hand-to-hand contact will eventually become an evidence of the couple's romantic attachment to each other.

5. Hand to shoulder. This affectionate embrace is still noncommittal. It is a "buddy" type position in which the man and woman are side by side. They are more concerned with the world in front of them than they are with each other. The hand-to-shoulder contact reveals a relationship that is more than a close friendship, but not necessarily real love.

6. Hand to waist. Because this is something two people of the same sex would not ordinarily do, it is clearly romantic. They are close enough to be sharing secrets or intimate language with each other. Yet as they walk side by side with hand to waist, they are still facing forward.

7. Face to face. This level of contact involves gazing into one another's eyes, hugging and kissing. If none of the previous steps were skipped, the man and woman will have developed a special code from experience that enables them to engage in deep communication with very few words. At this point, sexual desire becomes an important factor in the relationship.

8. Hand to head. This is an extension of the previous stage. The man and woman tend to cradle or stroke each other's head while kissing or talking. Rarely do individuals in our culture touch the head of another person unless they are either romantically involved or are family members. It is a designation of emotional closeness.

9-12. The final steps. The last four levels of involvement are distinctly sexual and private. The are (9) hand to body, (10) mouth to breast, (11) touching below the waist, and (12) intercourse. Obviously, the final acts of physical contact should be reserved for the marital relationship, since they are progressively sexual and intensely personal.

What Joy and Morris are saying is that intimacy must proceed slowly if a male-female relationship is to achieve its full potential. When two people love each other deeply and are committed for life, they have usually developed a great volume of understandings between them that would be considered insignificant to anyone else. They share countless private memories unknown to the rest of the world. That is in large measure where their sense of specialness to one another originates. Furthermore, the critical factor is that they have taken these steps in sequence. When later stages are reached prematurely, such as when couples kiss passionately on the first date or have sexual intercourse before marriage, something precious is lost from the relationship. Instead, their courtship should be nurtured through leisurely walks and talks and "lovers' secrets" that lay the foundation for mutual intimacy. Now we can see how the present environment of sexual permissiveness and lust serves to weaken the institution of marriage and undermine the stability of the family.

Before we tuck away this understanding of bonded commitments, let me emphasize that this concept applies not only to courtship experiences. The most successful marriages are those wherein husbands and wives journey through the twelve steps regularly in their daily lives. Touching and talking and holding hands and gazing into one another's eyes and building memories are as important to partners in their mid-life years as to rambunctious twenty-year-olds.

Indeed, the best way to invigorate a tired sex life is to walk through the twelve steps of courtship regularly and with gusto! Conversely, when sexual intercourse is experienced without the stages of intimacy that should have preceded it in prior days, the woman is likely to feel "used and abused." To those who are already married and now regret that the stages of bonding were taken out of order or that important steps were skipped altogether, it is not too late to work your way through them anew. I know of no better way to draw close to the person you love.

By way of summary, we can draw seven recommendations from this discussion that will contribute to life-long marriage. They are:

1. Don't rush the courtship period when you feel you have found the "one and only." Frank Sinatra said it musically, "Take it nice and easy, making all the stops along the way." At least a year is needed to allow the bonding process to occur--and even longer in some cases.

2. Make the final choice of a marital partner very carefully and prayerfully, never impulsively or recklessly. You are playing for keeps now. Bring to bear every ounce of intelligence and discretion available to you, and then yield the ultimate decision to the will of the Lord. He will guide you if you don't run ahead of Him.

3. Proceed through the first nine stages of intimacy one at a time and in the order indicated.

4. Do not progress to stages 10-12 before marriage: Enter the marriage bed as a virgin. If it's too late to preserve your virginity, initiate a policy of abstinence today, and don't waver from it until you are wed.

5. Seek to marry a virgin. This mutual purity gives special meaning to sex in marriage. No other human being has invaded the secret world that the two of you share, because you reserved yourselves exclusively for one another's pleasure and love. By following this Biblical plan, you also protect the reproduction system from new viruses, bacteria and fungi transmitted during casual intercourse. It is now known that when you sleep with a promiscuous partner, you are having sex with every person that individual has slept with in the past ten years! Virginity before marriage is by far the healthiest approach.

6. Remain faithful to your marriage partner for life. No exceptions!

7. Continue to meander through the stages of bonding throughout your married life, enjoying the wonder of intimate love. I can hear our antagonists shouting, "That's ridiculous; it's not realistic in today's world." Perhaps so, but some will hear. Some will understand. Some will survive. And as the AIDS epidemic continues to kill our friends and associates, this advice will make more sense with every passing year. And why not? It was God's idea in the first place.

Now more than ever, virtue is a necessity.

From LOVE FOR A LIFETIME, by Dr. James Dobson
Copyright © 1995. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.