In this guest post, licensed psychologist Georgia Shaffer offers practical help and biblical hope to encourage those struggling to rebuild their lives after a divorce—something she’s gone through herself. Shaffer lists five essential steps to help you move forward and heal.
Moving forward and rebuilding after a divorce can be overwhelming. Where do you begin? How do you navigate all the challenges—and the emotions—you're facing in this new season of life?
For some, the fear can be paralyzing, and you can find yourself unable to take actions that could ultimately help you.
As a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania and a professional certified coach, I've walked with many women as they've rebuilt their lives after divorce. However, it's my personal experience of beginning anew after a shattered marriage that qualifies me as an "expert."
Here's an overview of the journey, step by step, for moving forward—from reeling to resilient.
1. Choose to Grieve
After a divorce, you're not only grieving the loss of your marriage, but all of the collateral losses. For instance, you've lost someone you once loved—or still love. Maybe you've lost time with your children. Or you've lost your home, lifestyle, health insurance, or friendships.
Grieving is a normal reaction to losing something or someone very important to you. It's okay to be sad.
In fact, choosing to grieve means you are willing to face the painful emotions that come with a shattered marriage. And finding healthy ways to express and work through all the feelings you experience, including anger, sadness, shame, and guilt.
Choosing to grieve means you don't ignore or numb the pain with busyness, eating, shopping, spending hours on the computer, or watching Netflix.
However, you may prefer to skip the season of grief for a time because your feelings are so intense right now. I understand. I thought my sadness was going to destroy me, and my anger would destroy someone else.
Perhaps you believe grieving means you're not being strong in the Lord. If so, remember what Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)
2. Reframe Your Circumstances
After a relationship ends, it's normal to focus on what you've lost and all the problems you're facing. "Reframing" what's happened means that as you slowly move toward accepting it, you focus on the present and what you still have.
After my divorce, I did not want to change my perspective. I wanted my situation to change. I wanted the hurt, pain, and craziness to stop. I wanted my life to get better overnight.
But often what changes around us isn't the change we want. Reframing means being willing to make a shift in the way you look at things—being willing to see things in a new light.
For instance, maybe you have friends who have distanced themselves or disappeared from your life. Reframing is considering that perhaps your pain makes them uncomfortable, so they avoid it, and you, at the same time.
3. Transform Your Pain to Positive Gain
Isaiah 43:19 (NIV) reminds us, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."
What you thought would destroy you, with God's help, can transform you.
When you choose not to stay stuck in bitterness and self-pity, your suffering can be the catalyst for a positive turning point.
As you learn the skills needed to grow, you may notice you have an inner strength you never had before. You experience God's presence and provision and realize you're more empathetic and caring of others who are hurting.
4. Risk Making Changes
Loss brings pain, but creating a new normal—a new way of doing life—can be uncomfortable, too. Taking risks to make changes means facing your fears and stepping forward into the unknown, even when you're uncertain how things will turn out. It can be frightening when life has hammered you down and you no longer have the strength to take appropriate action.
Although you might feel helpless, don't lose sight of the fact there are still areas where you can make a positive difference. Not only in your own life, but also in the lives of others.
Don't wait for your fears to disappear. Pray, seek wise counsel, and then step out. One simple phrase that can make all the difference when you're stuck and convinced that rebuilding is impossible for you is the phrase, "Not yet." It's not that you never will get that college degree or job to support yourself and pay off your bills, it just hasn't happened yet.
And if you don't give up, you will finally get to the last step of rebuilding.
5. Share Your Hope and Heart with Others
This step gives meaning to all of the heartache you've endured. Whether you share your story or your heart, you discover that helping others gives purpose to your pain and hope to the brokenhearted.
You've learned what it feels like to be broken or in despair. And you know what it's like to move beyond that to a new life. You can remind others who are hurting of the truth of the psalmist in Scripture who wrote, "Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy." (Psalm 126:5 NIV).
How do you want to help others and live with a sense of meaning and purpose? Take time to reflect on what you care deeply about.
In summary, if you're going through a divorce and are clueless how to move forward, remember these five steps for rebuilding: grieve, reframe, transform, risk, and share.
Rebuilding your life is a process you don't want to go through alone. Rather than isolating yourself, consider gathering or joining a supportive community.
You can find divorce recovery groups online, if none are available locally. Another option is ReBUILD After Divorce, a biblically-based online coaching group that equips divorced and separated Christian women with the skills needed to move forward.
Georgia Shaffer, MA, PCC is an author, PA licensed psychologist, and a professional certified coach. In 2023, the International Christian Coaching Association chose her as the Christian Coach of the Year. She has written six books including A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life after Loss and Taking Out Your Emotional Trash. Georgia offers individual and group coaching online. ReBUILD After Divorce is a group for Christian women who are moving toward beginning anew after a shattered marriage. For more information visit GeorgiaShaffer.com.
Moving forward and rebuilding after a divorce can be overwhelming. Where do you begin? How do you navigate all the challenges—and the emotions—you're facing in this new season of life?
For some, the fear can be paralyzing, and you can find yourself unable to take actions that could ultimately help you.
As a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania and a professional certified coach, I've walked with many women as they've rebuilt their lives after divorce. However, it's my personal experience of beginning anew after a shattered marriage that qualifies me as an "expert."
Here's an overview of the journey, step by step, for moving forward—from reeling to resilient.
1. Choose to Grieve
After a divorce, you're not only grieving the loss of your marriage, but all of the collateral losses. For instance, you've lost someone you once loved—or still love. Maybe you've lost time with your children. Or you've lost your home, lifestyle, health insurance, or friendships.
Grieving is a normal reaction to losing something or someone very important to you. It's okay to be sad.
In fact, choosing to grieve means you are willing to face the painful emotions that come with a shattered marriage. And finding healthy ways to express and work through all the feelings you experience, including anger, sadness, shame, and guilt.
Choosing to grieve means you don't ignore or numb the pain with busyness, eating, shopping, spending hours on the computer, or watching Netflix.
However, you may prefer to skip the season of grief for a time because your feelings are so intense right now. I understand. I thought my sadness was going to destroy me, and my anger would destroy someone else.
Perhaps you believe grieving means you're not being strong in the Lord. If so, remember what Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)
2. Reframe Your Circumstances
After a relationship ends, it's normal to focus on what you've lost and all the problems you're facing. "Reframing" what's happened means that as you slowly move toward accepting it, you focus on the present and what you still have.
After my divorce, I did not want to change my perspective. I wanted my situation to change. I wanted the hurt, pain, and craziness to stop. I wanted my life to get better overnight.
But often what changes around us isn't the change we want. Reframing means being willing to make a shift in the way you look at things—being willing to see things in a new light.
For instance, maybe you have friends who have distanced themselves or disappeared from your life. Reframing is considering that perhaps your pain makes them uncomfortable, so they avoid it, and you, at the same time.
3. Transform Your Pain to Positive Gain
Isaiah 43:19 (NIV) reminds us, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."
What you thought would destroy you, with God's help, can transform you.
When you choose not to stay stuck in bitterness and self-pity, your suffering can be the catalyst for a positive turning point.
As you learn the skills needed to grow, you may notice you have an inner strength you never had before. You experience God's presence and provision and realize you're more empathetic and caring of others who are hurting.
4. Risk Making Changes
Loss brings pain, but creating a new normal—a new way of doing life—can be uncomfortable, too. Taking risks to make changes means facing your fears and stepping forward into the unknown, even when you're uncertain how things will turn out. It can be frightening when life has hammered you down and you no longer have the strength to take appropriate action.
Although you might feel helpless, don't lose sight of the fact there are still areas where you can make a positive difference. Not only in your own life, but also in the lives of others.
Don't wait for your fears to disappear. Pray, seek wise counsel, and then step out. One simple phrase that can make all the difference when you're stuck and convinced that rebuilding is impossible for you is the phrase, "Not yet." It's not that you never will get that college degree or job to support yourself and pay off your bills, it just hasn't happened yet.
And if you don't give up, you will finally get to the last step of rebuilding.
5. Share Your Hope and Heart with Others
This step gives meaning to all of the heartache you've endured. Whether you share your story or your heart, you discover that helping others gives purpose to your pain and hope to the brokenhearted.
You've learned what it feels like to be broken or in despair. And you know what it's like to move beyond that to a new life. You can remind others who are hurting of the truth of the psalmist in Scripture who wrote, "Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy." (Psalm 126:5 NIV).
How do you want to help others and live with a sense of meaning and purpose? Take time to reflect on what you care deeply about.
In summary, if you're going through a divorce and are clueless how to move forward, remember these five steps for rebuilding: grieve, reframe, transform, risk, and share.
Rebuilding your life is a process you don't want to go through alone. Rather than isolating yourself, consider gathering or joining a supportive community.
You can find divorce recovery groups online, if none are available locally. Another option is ReBUILD After Divorce, a biblically-based online coaching group that equips divorced and separated Christian women with the skills needed to move forward.
Georgia Shaffer, MA, PCC is an author, PA licensed psychologist, and a professional certified coach. In 2023, the International Christian Coaching Association chose her as the Christian Coach of the Year. She has written six books including A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life after Loss and Taking Out Your Emotional Trash. Georgia offers individual and group coaching online. ReBUILD After Divorce is a group for Christian women who are moving toward beginning anew after a shattered marriage. For more information visit GeorgiaShaffer.com.
