During college, I went through a season of rebellion. I thought I understood love, but my choices revealed how little I knew.

When I repented and turned back to the Lord, I began growing in my knowledge of Scripture as never before. I studied, developed strong convictions, and learned to defend them. I could argue theology, politics, and almost anything else—and usually win.

But I still did not understand love.

Instead, I became arrogant. Before my wife and I started dating, she told a friend of hers: “He’ll make a great husband one day, but not for me. He’s too arrogant.” Yep, it was that obvious. I knew how to make my point, but not how to care for the person receiving it. That became painfully clear one evening after another failed dating relationship. I asked a friend what I was missing.

“You like to be right,” he said.

“Of course, I do,” I answered. “Who doesn’t?”

His response crushed me.

“No, you like to be right to the detriment of others. You like to tear them down instead of building them up.”

I had asked for an explanation of what had gone wrong in my last relationship. My friend showed me that something was wrong in my heart.

In that moment, I began to see what love was—and how far my behavior had been from experiencing it. Defending the truth did not excuse how I treated people. Winning an argument meant little if I left someone wounded because of my pride.

That conversation moved me. People who knew me before that evening noticed the difference afterward (including my wife). I believe I was saved by Jesus as a young child, but the Lord brought me to repentance at several significant turning points since then. This was perhaps the biggest one.

Maybe your struggle looks different than mine. You may not enjoy an argument or feel compelled to have the last word. Still, we all need to consider how we respond when the Lord exposes something we would rather defend. Do we listen? Do we make excuses? Are we willing to repent?

A softened heart begins with that willingness—not merely to know what is right, but to receive correction and allow God to alter how we live. It doesn’t matter who you are, or even if you’re saved or unsaved; the Lord can transform you for the better.

In the Family Talk broadcast, “Softening a Crusty Heart,” Dr. James Dobson interviews Lieutenant Colonel Don Coble. Dr. Dobson describes Coble’s testimony this way: “What an incredible story this is about a hard-drinking, tough military guy on his way to hell, and how God loved him and forgave his sins and made him a new creation in Jesus Christ.”

I encourage you to listen to this broadcast at the end of this blog, because Don’s story shows how God can transform even a stone-cold soul. Just as Don realized he had to die to self—to his own desires—I had to do the same.

For me, dying to self meant more than admitting that my friend had a good point. It required surrendering the pride that made his words necessary. I had to stop asking how I appeared to others and begin caring about how I affected them. I couldn’t do that simply by deciding to be nicer. I needed the Lord to convert what I loved and what I wanted.

That is where a softened heart takes root—not in our determination to improve ourselves, but in our desire to surrender to God. We need to come before Him without excuses, acknowledging the sin He has exposed and ask for His forgiveness and help. For me, that question shifted from “Why isn’t this working out for me?” to “Lord, what needs to change in me?”

That is a difficult prayer to offer truthfully. We may discover resentment we have held onto for years, selfishness we have defined as a need, or harshness we have excused as honesty. Yet God does not expose these things to leave us hopeless. He brings them into light so His grace can enable us to turn from them and be transformed.

His forgiveness gives us the courage to be real. We do not have to make ourselves look better before coming to Him—He created us, and He knows our deepest thoughts. Because of Christ, we can confess what is ugly and trust that His mercy is greater than our sin.

But surrender must reach beyond a moment of conviction. It takes effect in what we do next.

Sometimes that means apologizing without adding an explanation that shifts the blame. In other circumstances, it requires listening to someone whose hurt we have dismissed. Or it might mean giving up a habit, seeking help, or accepting accountability from someone who knows us well enough to ask difficult questions.

These choices do not earn God’s forgiveness. They are ways we can respond to His grace. It is a willingness to obey, even when obedience costs us comfort, or forces us to face something painful.

Perhaps the Lord is inviting you to that same honesty today. You may already know the area you have been holding back from Him. You do not need a polished prayer. You can begin simply: “Lord, I have resisted You in this. Please forgive me. Make me willing to obey, and help me take the next step.”

A softened heart is not one that has become strong enough to change itself. It is learning to trust the One who can.

That begins with Jesus Christ. Our deepest problem is not simply stubbornness, but sin that separates us from God. We cannot make ourselves right with Him through better behavior or greater effort. But Jesus, God’s Son, died for our sins and rose again so that we could be forgiven and receive new life in Him. Salvation is His gift, received by faith—not something we earn.

If you have never trusted Jesus and invited Him into your heart, let me encourage you to turn to Him today. Confess your sins and place your faith in Jesus as your Lord and Savior. He can soften even the crustiest of hearts. No matter your background or sin, come to Him in your need. Believe that God will forgive and transform you, and begin a new life today.