Ken recently placed his wife, April, in a memory care facility. For years after her dementia diagnosis, he tended to her needs at home, helping her through the confusion, along with meeting her growing requirements. Even with assistance from home health professionals, the demands eventually became more than he could manage on his own.
Now April is in a facility where trained staff can handle her ever-increasing needs. Ken can visit and enjoy their relationship without carrying the exhausting weight of round-the-clock care. He hasn’t walked away from his wife; he found another way to support her.
The day Ken married April, he pledged to be faithful in sickness and in health. As her illness progressed, he faced the “sickness” side of that promise. Those words were no longer part of a wedding ceremony. They required something costly of him, and he kept his word.
Sadly, men like Ken seem to be a disappearing breed, as we hear that a growing number of husbands are leaving their seriously ill wives. Those stories should make us examine what we mean when we take an oath to love someone for life.
When Vows Become Costly
In an essay titled “Husbands Are 7 Times More Likely to Leave Their Wives Over This 1 Thing,” Maria Cassano describes a woman named Marie who reportedly posted scans of her brain tumor alongside messages from her husband. According to Marie, he drained their bank accounts, ended their marriage by text, and disappeared.
The message Cassano shared that Marie’s husband wrote to her paints a heartbreaking picture:
“Listen. It’s been hard. I can’t handle watching you die. I feel alone. I feel trapped. I’m not sure where or what I’m going to do, but my mom, my therapist, and my buds all agree this is the best course. I’ve invested a lot during your treatment, in recouping what I put in plus extra for my future, I can still have one. I’m sorry that you’re dying, I truly am, but I cannot be a part of it, I can’t watch it anymore. This is the last time you’ll hear from me. Please don’t hate me. Just move on peacefully. Be happy for me. That I can live for us both. That I can breathe for us both, that maybe one day I can love for us both.”
That husband’s selfish message shows what happens when personal happiness matters more than the marriage vow. In Love Must Be Tough, Dr. James Dobson calls us back to a different set of values: “Come on, America. Enough is enough! We’ve had our dance with divorce, and we have a million broken homes to show for it. We’ve tried the me-philosophy and the new morality and unbridled hedonism. They didn’t work. Now it’s time to get back to some old-fashioned values, like commitment and sacrifice and responsibility and purity and love and a life of righteousness and self-control. Not only will our children benefit from our self-discipline and perseverance, but we adults will live in a less neurotic world, too!”
What stands out in Marie’s husband’s message is his total focus on himself. His wife was facing death, yet he spoke about his loneliness, his investment, and his future. He even asked her to be happy for him as he left her behind and sought someone new to love. Imagine her loneliness as she faces death on her own.
Men often think of themselves as warriors and protectors. But what happens when protecting your wife means cleaning up after her, sitting through another treatment, accompanying her to numerous doctor’s appointments, or caring for her when she can no longer care for you? That is where the marital promise becomes a test of character.
More Than a Statistic
Maria Cassano’s “seven times” finding comes from a study of married patients with cancer or multiple sclerosis. Separation or divorce occurred far more often if the patient was the wife rather than the husband.
Whether the number exaggerates the problem or not doesn’t negate the principle that husbands should be every bit as faithful in sickness as their wives. Nothing changes a man’s responsibility when his wife needs him. Marriage isn’t just about happiness; it is also about faithfulness in caring for her, especially as loving her comes with a cost.
Love Means Sacrifice, Not Doing Everything On Your Own
A serious medical diagnosis can change your life overnight. You may find yourself managing medications, preparing meals, helping your wife dress, and listening to fears you can’t resolve. You may grieve as your world is rearranged, while struggling to meet the needs in front of you.
In Ephesians 5:25, the Apostle Paul writes, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”Jesus’ affection was not based on comfort or convenience. He gave Himself for those he loved, and husbands are called to follow His example.
That does not mean you must provide every bit of attendance yourself. Ken’s decision to place April in a memory facility was not a failure. It was an honest response to needs he could no longer meet at home.
There is a big difference between seeking assistance so your wife will receive adequate care, and abandoning her because you no longer want the burden. Seeking support from professionals, your church, and your friends will provide time to rest so you can remain the husband she needs. Faithfulness means staying involved, guarding her dignity, and loving her within your limits.
Prepare Your Heart Today
The habits that sustain a marriage through illness begin long before the diagnosis. When your wife is tired, do you share the work load without waiting to be asked? If she is afraid, do you listen patiently and offer a reassuring hug? When her needs interrupt your plans, do you treat her as a burden or as someone you have promised to love?
Those daily choices teach you to put your spouse ahead of convenience. It’s wise to prepare practically, too, by discussing both of your needs, understanding your finances, and building relationships with people who can help.
You may not feel ready for the hardest days of marriage, but you can ask God to strengthen you for them. His grace can enable you to grow in patience, humility, and affection if you must face what you never expected.
Ken’s vows did not end the day April entered a memory care facility. He continues to honor them by being her husband in the life they have now. Love your wife well today so that if the “sickness” side of your promise arrives, she will know your word still holds true.
