Boys need structure, they need supervision, and they need to be civilized. When raised in a laissez-faire environment that is devoid of leadership, they often begin to challenge social conventions and common sense. Many often crash and burn during the adolescent years. Some never fully recover. Here’s another metaphor that may be helpful: A stream without banks becomes a swamp. It is your job as parents to build the channel in which the stream will run. And another: A child will be ruled by either the rudder or the rock. Authority, when balanced by love, is the rudder that steers your boys around the jagged boulders that could rip the bottom out of their fragile boats. Without you, disaster is inevitable.

Mom and Dad are the authority figures, who must not tolerate rebellious or disrespectful behavior. When the child insists on breaking the rules, he is disciplined just enough to make him uncomfortable. No, the parents don’t chase the youngster away, but they should make it clear that they are unhappy with the way he has behaved. This may be accomplished by a reasonable (but not severe) spanking in instances when the misbehavior has been defiant and disrespectful. Or they could administer a time-out period or other lesser punishment. Whatever the approach, the child must find it unpleasant and aversive. After the discomfort of that confrontation, there will come a moment when the child will ask, symbolically if not in words, “Can I come back again?” At that point, the parents should welcome him with open arms. That is the time to explain why he got in trouble and how he can avoid the conflict next time. Never during this process should parents resort to screaming or other indications that they are frustrated and out of control. Instead, the parent should demonstrate mastery of the situation. A few quiet words spoken with conviction by a mother or father can often convey this confidence and authority better than a barrage of empty threats and wild gestures.

Although this understanding of discipline is fairly simple to comprehend, some parents have trouble getting it. If they are afraid to make their child uncomfortable or unhappy when misbehavior has occurred, or if they fear that permanent emotional damage is being done when they have to punish, they will not have the determination to win the inevitable confrontations that arise. The child will sense their tentativeness and push them farther. The end result will be frustrated, irritated, and ineffectual parents and rebellious, selfish, and willful children. Parents have been given the authority by God to direct and shape their kids’ behavior. They should use it.

From Dr. James Dobson’s book, Bringing Up Boys.