The culture may be changing, but the influence of a faithful grandparent still matters. Roger Marsh offers encouragement for grandparents who want to pass on their values and help the next generation build a strong foundation of faith.
Where Are Grandparents Today?
A Higher Calling
You are watching your grandchildren grow up inside a set of assumptions you did not choose and would not have chosen. And you have very little formal authority to do anything about it.
Dr. Jay Kesler gave an answer on the Family Talk broadcast that reframes the whole problem. He said a grandparent’s home should function as a welcome retreat. Not a second courtroom. Not a place where the child gets the lecture they already got at home from the other side. A stable place where a corrupt culture stops at the door and a grandchild can bring a question they are not comfortable asking anyone else.
Kesler’s point was blunt: if one of your grandchildren gets into real trouble, you may be the first phone call. Not because you were the loudest voice on values. Because you were the safest one.
That is a different job than the one most worried grandparents assign themselves. It is also a job you can actually do.
Hear the Full Conversation: Dr. James Dobson and Dr. Jay Kesler on Providing a Safe Haven
Grandparents Interfering
Question: My husband’s parents are wonderful people, and we love them very much. They have always refrained from interfering in our family; that is, until our daughter was born. Now they’re arguing with us about how we’re raising her and are undermining the things we’re trying to teach. We want to base Amy’s upbringing on biblical principles, but not being Christians, my in-laws don’t really understand this. How can we deal with this situation without offending them?
Answer: It is time to have a loving but candid conversation with your in-laws about how your child will be raised. I would suggest that you take them to dinner some evening, during which this topic will be addressed. When the moment is right, tell them of your concerns. Make it clear that you love them and want them to enjoy their granddaughter. But the responsibility for how she is being managed must rest entirely with you and your husband. Remind them that they had their day—when the decisions about child rearing were theirs alone. Spell out the issues that mean the most to you, including your desire to raise your daughter according to Christian principles. Try to help them understand your reasons, but recognize that their worldview might make it impossible for them to agree. If that is the case, they’ll need to honor your wishes anyway.
It is likely that sparks will fly during this conversation. If so, try to remain calm and stand your ground. If the worst occurs and the dinner ends in an emotional walkout, I suggest that you give your in-laws some space while they’re cooling off. When you do come back together, let love and respect continue to be your guides—but don’t back off on the issue at hand. You have the right to do what you’re doing. Your in-laws are the ones who are out of line. But remember that Amy needs her grandparents, and your goal should be to harmonize your relationship. In most cases, that will occur in time.
From Dr. James Dobson’s book, The Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide.
