Dear Friends,
It was just one week after celebrating Christmas. I entered one of our local shops and was surprised to see a huge display of heart-shaped boxes wrapped in red ribbon surrounded by a wide assortment of candies and confections. My left-brain analytics quickly deduced a clue. Oh yes, Valentine’s Day will soon be here, and I would be wise to prepare. How kind of the shopkeeper to remind me.
Of course, that last sentence is a bit tongue-in-cheek, but it reminds us how love, marriage, and parenting—the bedrocks of our civilization—are often trivialized for non-altruistic reasons. Sentimental advertising and trite phrases seek to frame our thoughts and shift reality away from the principles established by our Creator, the author of love.
One of the most comical but egregious slogans to me is the proclamation on all types of merchandise that “Love Is Love.” Just think for a moment about the silliness of that statement. It’s tantamount to saying “Wind Is Wind” or “Fire Is Fire.” We’ve all felt the welcome caress of a soft breeze on a hot summer day. Now contrast that with a tornado. Both are wind, but one brings relief while the other often leaves immense damage and loss of life in its wake. Consider sitting on a hearth warmed by a lovely fire as you share a cup of hot tea or cocoa with your Valentine and compare that to raging wildfires that frequently devastate whole cities or regions. There really is no comparison.
Where do we turn to understand the real meaning of love if we cannot rely on advertisers, influencers, or culture to provide truth? I believe it starts with Jesus’ words recorded by the Apostle John.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16, ESV).
God established love, and the Apostle Paul later revealed that it is the greatest of all spiritual gifts as he shared its characteristics with us.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, ESV).
A few thousand years later, Dr. Dobson drew from this truth in supporting marriages, parenting, and families as he foresaw the perils of a declining culture and the goals of those orchestrating it. His approach was not generally centered in theological debate. More often, he brought us practical advice for family life founded on biblical principles and framed through the lens of his medical knowledge and research.
Let’s read Dr. Dobson’s own words about romantic love in these excerpts from his September 2023 newsletter.
Choosing To Love
Now let me tell you why I have shared these personal stories with you. It has been to provide a closer look at what it means to “fall in love.”
Both men and women toss those words around as though everyone understands them. I’m quite sure most folks don’t. Young people often refer to a strong attraction for one another as “chemistry.” They are correct, but not in the way they mean.
What I’m about to share with you now is extremely important for anyone wanting to understand the meaning of love. The emotional rush that occurs when two people “fall” for each other is often misinterpreted as “love.” In reality, what they feel early on is driven by hormones designed to create precisely that excitement. It is physical attraction, of course, but it’s much more.
One female hormone called oxytocin is almost mischievous in its influence. It is stimulated in women by another hormone called estrogen. Oxytocin is nick-named “the cuddle hormone,” and you can figure out where it leads. When a girl likes a guy and feels safe with him, her oxytocin levels rise, giving her a sense of hope, trust, optimism, confidence, and a belief that all her needs are about to be met. She may begin to fall in love with him, or something that feels like it, but not because he is the perfect human being. He is perceived as perfect because she feels like he is. Hugging and snuggling cause oxytocin levels to surge, which leads to more hugging and snuggling. Talk about a tender trap!
Our biochemistry is designed to guarantee the continuation of the human race, with its array of hormones, receptor sites, neural wiring, and neurotransmitters that carry impulses from cell to cell. Oxytocin is a major component of that system.
What I have described about oxytocin in girls and women has a counterpart in boys and men. Not surprisingly, the male version of this hormone is testosterone. It operates in its own way to create predictable responses.
Let me tell you about my own early experience with those hormones. When I was thirteen, my family took a car trip to see relatives in Idaho. Something was definitely going on inside of me, even though I didn’t have a clue what it was. I just remember fantasizing from the back seat about meeting a cute girl—any cute girl—who would be standing on the street corner when we drove into town. I actually looked in vain for that girl. Would you believe that she did exist? I met her a few afternoons later on a tennis court. She was an older woman of fourteen who was carrying a big tennis racket. I took one look at her and said to myself, “I knew she was here!” I was drunk on testosterone, and she had to be high on estrogen and oxytocin. It was a match made in heaven, albeit a temporary one.
This little princess and I banged the tennis ball back and forth until sundown. I then went home knee-deep in love, even though she beat me soundly on the court. It was a thrilling afternoon, but the affair never went anywhere. In fact, I never saw her again.
I’ve explained this hormonal system to illustrate how fickle and unreliable feelings of love are in teens and young adults. It creates fun moments, but these emotions can’t be trusted an inch. They might lead to something more permanent, but more likely they will not.
It takes time, perhaps years as it did with Shirley and me, to understand the characteristics that matter most in a potential husband or wife. He or she knows little in the early days about the other person’s hopes and dreams, fears, anxieties, general health, ambitions, irritabilities, tenderness, longings, anger, joy, addictions, integrity, appetites, strengths, weaknesses, emotional wounds, motivations, disappointments, morality, family history, sexual experience, intelligence, work habits, finances, faith, talents, thrift, personal secrets and how the other person feels about having children. The list of critical traits is almost endless, and it is a mystery at first blush. Indeed, one’s fascination with the other may be determined entirely by something as impermanent as physical attractiveness.
I will tell you honestly that I had a hard time making a decision to marry Shirley. She had been my sweetheart for three years, and I cared for her dearly. But there were other considerations. I had no money, and I was planning on going to the University of Texas the following fall to begin working on a Ph.D. How could I afford to take on the responsibilities of a wife and one or more children? Also, I wasn’t sure if I understood the difference between love as the world knows it, and rock solid, forever love that will go the distance. Shirley had too much self-respect to press me on the matter, but I knew she wanted to get married. I had to decide what to do.
We were sitting in my car one rainy Saturday morning when I quietly shared all these thoughts with Shirley. I then told her that I just didn’t know which direction to take. After sitting and thinking for a while, she turned her beautiful blue eyes toward me and said, “You just have to decide what you want.” Until then, I had been depending on my emotions to tell me what to do. But at that moment, I made the decision to love her unconditionally and forever.
Ultimately, love comes down to that—a decision. It is far more than an unreliable feeling. Emotions are ephemeral. They may flourish one day and disappear the next. They are wonderful when they take you on a ride “somewhere over the rainbow.” But emotions can drop you like a rock on a cloudy day. You certainly can’t build a marriage on them.
It is so important that you understand that. At best, marital love is a choice to become “one flesh” with another human being in a biblical sense. During a traditional wedding ceremony, the minister doesn’t ask the bride and groom if they promise to stay together for as long as they feel good about each other, or to remain committed “for as long as we both shall love.” No, they are invited to make one of the two most solemn oaths of their lives—pledging that the union therewith cemented will continue “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, forsaking all others, ’til death do us part.” That is the stability on which a successful marriage is rooted. It is the difference between “love at first sight” and “forever my love.” The gap between those concepts is a chasm.
Tune In During February!
Dr. Dobson fulfilled his decision and promise of unconditional and forever love as he transitioned from earth to heaven just days before his and Shirley’s 65th wedding anniversary. Theirs is a beautiful story, and the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute (JDFI) wants to help your relationship become one too. We’ve planned several broadcasts early this month with guests sharing biblical truth for creating love that lasts.
It’s because of your generosity and listenership that we continue bringing hope and help to families and the culture. Thank you! And please continue sharing your own stories with us, as well as any suggestions you have for new content or digital platforms. You can do this through our website (JDFI.net), iOS app, or by calling 877-732-6825.
May God bless you and yours,
Bart Brock, Ph.D.
Chairman and President
Dr. James Dobson Family Institute
This letter may be reproduced without change and in its entirety for non-commercial and non-political purposes without prior permission from the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute.
