A father holds awesome power in the lives of his children, for good or ill. Families have understood that fact for centuries. It has been said, “No man stands so tall as when he stoops to help a boy.” Another wise observer said, “Tie a boy to the right man and he almost never goes wrong.” They are both right. When asked who their heroes are, the majority of boys who are fortunate enough to have a father will say, “It’s my dad.” On the other hand, when a father is uninvolved—when he doesn’t love or care for his kids—it creates an ache, a longing, that will linger for decades. Again, without minimizing how much girls need their fathers, which we also acknowledge, boys are constructed emotionally to be dependent on dads in ways that were not understood until recently.

We now know that there are two critical periods during childhood when boys are particularly vulnerable.

The most obvious occurs at the onset of puberty, when members of both sexes experience an emotional and hormonal upheaval. Boys and girls at that time desperately need their father’s supervision, guidance, and love. Divorce at that time, more than at others, is typically devastating to boys.

The other, according to Dr. Carol Gilligan, professor at Harvard University, is a critical period earlier in life—one not shared by girls. Very young boys bask in their mother’s femininity and womanliness during infancy and toddlerhood. Fathers are important then, but mothers are primary. At about three to five years of age, however, a lad gradually pulls away from his mom and sisters in an effort to formulate a masculine identity.* It is typical for boys during those years, and even earlier, to crave the attention and involvement of their dad and to try to emulate his behavior and mannerisms.

But here’s the rub: When fathers are absent at that time, or if they are inaccessible, distant, or abusive, their boys have only a vague notion of what it means to be male. Whereas girls have a readily available model after which to pattern feminine behavior and attitudes (except when they are raised by single fathers), boys living with single mothers are left to formulate their masculine identity out of thin air. This is why early divorce is also devastating for boys. Writer Angela Phillips believes, and I agree, that the high incidence of homosexuality occurring in Western nations is related, at least in part, to the absence of positive male influence when boys are moving through the first crisis of child development.** One of the primary objectives of parents is to help boys identify their gender assignments and understand what it means to be a man.

From Dr. James Dobson’s book, Bringing Up Boys.

*Don and Jeanne Elium, Raising a Son (Berkeley: Celestrial Arts, 1997), 21.

**Phillips, The Trouble With Boys, 54-59.