Adults will occasionally challenge one another for the same reasons they challenged their parents as children. Unconsciously, perhaps, they are asking the question, "How much courage do you have, and do you love me enough to stop me from doing this foolish thing?" What they don't need, contrary to the suggestions offered above, is permissiveness, understanding, excuses, removal of guilt and buckets of tender loving care. To dole out that kind of smother-love at such a time is to reinforce irresponsibility and generate disrespect. It deprives the marriage of mutual accountability!
Let's look at a couple of specific examples. Suppose a teenager comes home, stoned on amphetamines. He sits in his room, for days at a time, popping pills while he deteriorates physically and emotionally. So what should his parents do? Does the adolescent need understanding and rationalization and never a word about his problem? Should his parents tell him how they've caused his addiction by their many failures? Is it best that they prop up his life and purchase narcotics for him? Certainly not. Love must be tough! If they cannot reason with him and encourage him to get help, they should force the issue to a crisis that will save him from himself. By whatever method, including painful confrontation, they must break the cycle of behavior that is destroying their son and get him to seek professional help.
How about the example of a wife whose husband is an alcoholic? Should she "cover" for his drunken condition, lying to his boss and concealing the problem from the neighbors? No, that is the worst course of action for a victim of alcoholism. The best approach is to force a crisis that will bring the matter to a head. Then it can be treated and resolved. (We will discuss this matter in greater detail in subsequent chapters.)
Perhaps my point has been made. Infidelity is an addiction that can destroy a life as quickly as drugs or alcohol. Once a man or woman is hooked on the thrills of sexual conquest, he or she becomes intoxicated with its lust for pleasure. This person needs every available reason to go straight--to clean up his life. He certainly does not need a spouse who says dreamily, "I understand why you need the other woman, David. My goodness! I am so riddled with flaws that it's no wonder you went looking for someone else. You should see the list of my own stupidities that I'm keeping. Let me propose a course of action: You just go on with your other friendships for a few years while I work on myself, and maybe you'll eventually feel like a husband again. Spend our money foolishly if you wish, and I'll get along somehow. Maybe I can take in ironing or do some babysitting. In the meantime, drop over and I'll meet your needs anytime you wish. Bring your dirty clothes and a big appetite too. The kids and I will try to keep the conversation from getting too heavy for you because we sure wouldn't want you to get the notion that you're doing something wrong. And David, why don't you bring your lady friend with you the next time you come. I'll bet she's a sweetheart."
That approach is like buying booze for the drunk and drugs for the junkie. It is weak love! It is disastrous!
I hope I've made the case for the use of loving toughness in response to blatant rebellion and sin. But the question remains, how is that discipline implemented? Does the offended party scream and cry and throw things? Does he or she run to the nearest telephone to call the attorney? Is it time to play dirty, spreading gossip that will embarrass and hurt the rascal? No! No! No! Those approaches may be tough, but they aren't loving!
From Dr. Dobson’s book Love Must Be Tough. Request your copy today, HERE.
