I want to focus our attention today on bullying behavior among girls. Boys usually assault one another physically, by kicking, hitting, pulling down pants, and threatening weaker boys. Girls do it relationally, by backstabbing, harassing, name-calling, isolating, spreading rumors and lies, and just being nasty. Taunting behavior of this ilk is pervasive wherever girls are found. Approximately one in three students is either a perpetrator or a target of bullying, but every student is touched by it in one way or another. That means your daughter is likely to be impacted emotionally by bullying at some time during her developmental journey. She might even be the one doing the dirty work.

One mother told me that her daughter awakens early each morning and lies in bed wondering, “How can I get through this day without being humiliated?” She worries about not having someone to sit with at lunch and how to do her hair and select clothes in ways that will not bring her ridicule. For this girl and millions of others, school is a minefield through which they walk every day. Girls whose weight is normal are called “fat,” and those who have unusual physical characteristics are mocked unmercifully. They are given nicknames to highlight the features they most want to hide. This insecure world in which children live has a huge effect on them and influences the women they will someday become. And sadly, the harassment often begins in early childhood, when they are least able to deal with it. The implications for naturally fearful and shy girls are highly significant. As they grow older, some will develop ulcers, eating disorders, and depression.

For whatever reasons, parents, teachers, coaches, and church supervisors often ignore taunting behavior. They become passive bystanders while beleaguered youngsters are desperate for adult intervention. Let me say it clearly: I consider it child abuse for an adult to stand by passively while a defenseless boy or girl is assaulted by peers, physically or emotionally. The damage inflicted in those moments can reverberate for a lifetime.

Many authorities on the prevention of bullying stress the importance of talking to children and teens about what they are experiencing. That can be difficult to do. Many kids don’t want the involvement of their parents for fear of making matters worse. The question, therefore, is how can parents engage in conversation with sons and daughters who don’t want to talk? I have found it helpful to gather small groups of teens in a comfortable setting and interact with them together. That is often less stressful than having one-on-one time with Mom and Dad. Adolescents love to talk about themselves if they are in a safe environment and are led by an adult they trust and admire. Regardless of the method you choose, the more you can demonstrate to your sons and daughters that you care and are on their team, the better the outcome. I will conclude with the most important suggestion. There might come a time to get them out of it. You have to be prepared to do whatever is necessary to preserve their tender spirits, including changing schools, homeschooling, or moving.

From Dr. James Dobson’s book, Bringing Up Girls.