Day: September 1, 2025

I doubt if there has been another time in modern history when it has been more challenging to get youngsters through adolescence and into the relative safety of early adulthood. The sexual revolution of the sixties has now become the pop culture of today, although it is no longer as shocking to adults. As I mentioned earlier, there’s turmoil smoldering inside many adolescent girls. Therein lies the key to deciphering some of the behaviors that are otherwise incomprehensible. Specifically, this turbulence is the reason so many teen girls seek to harm themselves in disturbing ways. You’ve no doubt seen examples of this self-destructive behavior in the teen environment, perhaps by members of your own family.

An alarming number of girls harbor deep-seated anger that has turned inward, leading them to starve themselves even to the point of death; secretly binge and purge; take prescription medications and illegal drugs; dull their senses with alcohol; cut and pierce their bodies; permanently ink themselves; engage in things like prostitution, pornography, stripping, violence, bullying, sexual aggression, lewdness, and crudeness; and even attempt suicide, which has spiked in recent years.*

When one considers adolescent society and its obsession with the dark side of popular culture, we have reason to be discouraged about where it is headed. There is, however, a definite sunny side to be celebrated, and it is time we heralded it. The good news is that there are millions of teens who are not sleeping around, are not using illegal drugs, are not binge drinking, are not at war with their parents, and are not failing in school. These are wonderful kids who are loved at home. Many of them are deeply committed to Jesus Christ and aren’t afraid to share their faith. So, while it appears at times as though an entire generation of teens and young adults is totally lost, it is definitely not true.

I say this to offer hope and encouragement to today’s parents. You have a real shot at keeping your kids moral in a very immoral world. Don’t believe those who say, “It can’t be done.” There is much you can do to help resist the popular culture, if you have the “want to.” Teach your daughter skills that will give her a sense of identity; treat her with dignity and respect, even when she fails to earn it at times; choose your words very carefully during periods of greatest sensitivity; and help her make friends by opening your home and your heart to lost kids looking for a safe place. There are no magic answers, but there are good answers. You owe it to your daughter to hang tough and continue to point her in the right direction. Your task is to be intentional about teaching chastity, morality, and common sense to her while she is still young.

From Dr. James Dobson’s book, Bringing Up Girls.

* https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/data/yrbs/pdf/YRBS_Data-Summary-Trends_Report2023_508.pdf.

Moms and dads should understand that the hormonal barrage that initiates puberty is highly traumatic to the female brain, and it can throw a girl into complete disequilibrium until she begins to adjust to it.* This is why parents must take the time to understand what she is going through. From pubescence through adolescence, there will be recurring times of moodiness, anxiety, anger, self-pity, and depression. There will also be moments of giddiness, glee, elation, and happiness. Emotions are on a roller coaster from the peak to the valley, and from one day—or one hour—to the next. The entire family sometimes hangs on for dear life until things start to settle down. For some girls, the return to equilibrium can take five years or longer. In the meantime, surging levels of estrogen and progesterone affect behavior and personality dramatically. They have the female brain (and parents) rocking and reeling.

Just as estrogen drives the need for intimacy in infancy, it has the same effect in puberty and adolescence, only this time it is even more intense. The desire for social bonding, especially with peers, causes great vulnerability. This is why adolescents travel in packs—to protect themselves. The most paralyzing fear for a girl in these years is the prospect of being left out, rejected, criticized, or humiliated. Even the most minor criticism from parents can produce a tsunami of tears and retribution. Overreaction becomes an everyday event. Heaven help the mom or dad who tries to convince a sobbing girl that “it’s no big deal.” They are wrong. Everything is a big deal.

What does a girl need from her parents when everything has gone topsy-turvy? The answer, in a word, is more attachment, not less. Even when she is most unlovable, she needs love and connectedness from her mother, but also from her father. She needs them to be as calm, mature, and parental as possible. There is no room in their relationship for an out-of-control, screaming, confused, and scared adult. A voice of reason is desperately needed, even with a child who has become entirely unreasonable. I know this is difficult advice to receive or implement because a pubescent girl can be absolutely maddening. But she typically has little self-control and certainly doesn’t need a mom with the same problem. The 10 to 20 percent of adolescent girls who are in crisis mode need all the stability they can get from their families. Strange impulses urge teen girls to do things that make no sense to a rational mind, and many of them can’t help responding the way they do.

Wise parents can shepherd their youngsters through these early experiences and make them fun and clean. Adult supervision is absolutely necessary, however, to keep your daughter from getting too far ahead of herself by doing things that will be harmful for decades to come. She also needs help in understanding what is happening inside and recognizing that the unstable emotions that come flooding over them at times are temporary. Most of all, stay connected, especially in the dark days when the sky seems to be falling. It usually isn’t.

From Dr. James Dobson’s book, Bringing Up Girls.

* Dr. Louann Brizendine, The Female Brain.

I want to focus our attention today on bullying behavior among girls. Boys usually assault one another physically, by kicking, hitting, pulling down pants, and threatening weaker boys. Girls do it relationally, by backstabbing, harassing, name-calling, isolating, spreading rumors and lies, and just being nasty. Taunting behavior of this ilk is pervasive wherever girls are found. Approximately one in three students is either a perpetrator or a target of bullying, but every student is touched by it in one way or another. That means your daughter is likely to be impacted emotionally by bullying at some time during her developmental journey. She might even be the one doing the dirty work.

One mother told me that her daughter awakens early each morning and lies in bed wondering, “How can I get through this day without being humiliated?” She worries about not having someone to sit with at lunch and how to do her hair and select clothes in ways that will not bring her ridicule. For this girl and millions of others, school is a minefield through which they walk every day. Girls whose weight is normal are called “fat,” and those who have unusual physical characteristics are mocked unmercifully. They are given nicknames to highlight the features they most want to hide. This insecure world in which children live has a huge effect on them and influences the women they will someday become. And sadly, the harassment often begins in early childhood, when they are least able to deal with it. The implications for naturally fearful and shy girls are highly significant. As they grow older, some will develop ulcers, eating disorders, and depression.

For whatever reasons, parents, teachers, coaches, and church supervisors often ignore taunting behavior. They become passive bystanders while beleaguered youngsters are desperate for adult intervention. Let me say it clearly: I consider it child abuse for an adult to stand by passively while a defenseless boy or girl is assaulted by peers, physically or emotionally. The damage inflicted in those moments can reverberate for a lifetime.

Many authorities on the prevention of bullying stress the importance of talking to children and teens about what they are experiencing. That can be difficult to do. Many kids don’t want the involvement of their parents for fear of making matters worse. The question, therefore, is how can parents engage in conversation with sons and daughters who don’t want to talk? I have found it helpful to gather small groups of teens in a comfortable setting and interact with them together. That is often less stressful than having one-on-one time with Mom and Dad. Adolescents love to talk about themselves if they are in a safe environment and are led by an adult they trust and admire. Regardless of the method you choose, the more you can demonstrate to your sons and daughters that you care and are on their team, the better the outcome. I will conclude with the most important suggestion. There might come a time to get them out of it. You have to be prepared to do whatever is necessary to preserve their tender spirits, including changing schools, homeschooling, or moving.

From Dr. James Dobson’s book, Bringing Up Girls.