Moms and dads should understand that the hormonal barrage that initiates puberty is highly traumatic to the female brain, and it can throw a girl into complete disequilibrium until she begins to adjust to it.* This is why parents must take the time to understand what she is going through. From pubescence through adolescence, there will be recurring times of moodiness, anxiety, anger, self-pity, and depression. There will also be moments of giddiness, glee, elation, and happiness. Emotions are on a roller coaster from the peak to the valley, and from one day—or one hour—to the next. The entire family sometimes hangs on for dear life until things start to settle down. For some girls, the return to equilibrium can take five years or longer. In the meantime, surging levels of estrogen and progesterone affect behavior and personality dramatically. They have the female brain (and parents) rocking and reeling.

Just as estrogen drives the need for intimacy in infancy, it has the same effect in puberty and adolescence, only this time it is even more intense. The desire for social bonding, especially with peers, causes great vulnerability. This is why adolescents travel in packs—to protect themselves. The most paralyzing fear for a girl in these years is the prospect of being left out, rejected, criticized, or humiliated. Even the most minor criticism from parents can produce a tsunami of tears and retribution. Overreaction becomes an everyday event. Heaven help the mom or dad who tries to convince a sobbing girl that “it’s no big deal.” They are wrong. Everything is a big deal.

What does a girl need from her parents when everything has gone topsy-turvy? The answer, in a word, is more attachment, not less. Even when she is most unlovable, she needs love and connectedness from her mother, but also from her father. She needs them to be as calm, mature, and parental as possible. There is no room in their relationship for an out-of-control, screaming, confused, and scared adult. A voice of reason is desperately needed, even with a child who has become entirely unreasonable. I know this is difficult advice to receive or implement because a pubescent girl can be absolutely maddening. But she typically has little self-control and certainly doesn’t need a mom with the same problem. The 10 to 20 percent of adolescent girls who are in crisis mode need all the stability they can get from their families. Strange impulses urge teen girls to do things that make no sense to a rational mind, and many of them can’t help responding the way they do.

Wise parents can shepherd their youngsters through these early experiences and make them fun and clean. Adult supervision is absolutely necessary, however, to keep your daughter from getting too far ahead of herself by doing things that will be harmful for decades to come. She also needs help in understanding what is happening inside and recognizing that the unstable emotions that come flooding over them at times are temporary. Most of all, stay connected, especially in the dark days when the sky seems to be falling. It usually isn’t.

From Dr. James Dobson’s book, Bringing Up Girls.

* Dr. Louann Brizendine, The Female Brain.