Good friendships are a blessing. They bring joy when we laugh and have fun together. They help us grow as we try new things and hear different perspectives. Friends provide a sense of belonging and fulfillment. And it’s a delight to discover genuine connection with someone who cares and seeks to understand us.
No matter what your age or life stage, friendships are important.
So why is it so difficult to find and keep good friends as you get older? When you’re a child, you’re around kids who are about your same age—through school, sports, or activities. It’s easier to have friends when you’re younger because there’s a larger pool of same-age kids doing similar things.
After high school or college, life changes. People move away, get married, have kids, or are busy building their careers. Often, the friends you once spent time with during your school years have developed other priorities, and so have you, and it’s not as easy to sustain friendships due to distance or hectic schedules.
As an adult, it takes more effort to make and maintain friendships. Of course, it’s not always easy, but it is possible—especially if you value close and connected relationships.
How do you develop and nurture friendships as an adult? Here are six ideas to consider:
- Accept change. Some friendships fade over time, and it’s not always easy to deal with endings. Sadly, not all friendships last forever. It’s been said that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Take time to grieve the loss of the friendship (and deal with your feelings of sadness, hurt, or disappointment), and then ask God to bring new relationships into your life.
- Recognize the different levels of friendship. Not all friendships are alike. And that’s okay. You may have people in your life with whom you connect on different emotional levels, such as:
- acquaintance (e.g., a neighbor you wave to across the street, but don’t really know),
- casual friend (e.g., someone with whom you do activities, but don’t share with deeply), and
- close friend (e.g., someone with whom you have a strong emotional connection, and can rely on in tough times and good times).
- Cultivate your current friendships. Friendships don’t just happen. So it’s essential to be intentional about sustaining them as time goes on, especially when life gets busy. The word “cultivate” means to be deliberate, to take action, and not be passive. Cultivate a friendship as you would tend a garden to foster growth. Make an effort to connect and keep in touch—whether it’s online or in person. Ask your friend how you can pray for him or her, and offer support in stressful times. In doing so, you’re watering the garden of friendship—not letting the connection wilt.
- Be open to meeting new people. When I moved to Colorado, I attended a church singles group, and met many of the friends I have today. It was a wonderful way to meet people when I didn’t know anyone. It was during that time that I was once at an outdoor concert with a group of friends and a new person showed up. She had no place to sit on the lawn, so I offered her space on my picnic blanket. Who knew that one simple offer would lead to a long-term friendship, and that I’d one day be the godmother of her first child? Consider the possibilities of meeting a new friend by serving at a church event, joining a committee, playing pickleball, or another type of activity with social interaction.
- Be intentional about staying connected. Life gets busy, to be sure, but you can aim to stay connected with friends when you take time and make an effort. One way I stay connected with good friends who are busy is through a monthly prayer night I host at my house. I’ve known these women for years, and though we are in different life stages— single, married, young children, or no children—we make a point to gather once a month to eat, pray, and share together.
- Learn how to be a good friend. One of the best ways to find new friends—and keep them—is to be a good friend. In my children’s book, Backyard Bunny: Adventures in Friendship, I list five qualities for “How to Be a Good Friend:” Be kind. Smile. Talk and listen. Share. Have fun together.
Interestingly, these same qualities apply to friendships at any age. To be a good friend as an adult, I would also add these virtues:
Be reliable. Follow through when you make a plan. Show up. Keep your word. All of those characteristics seek to build trust in a relationship.
Be encouraging. Believers are admonished to “comfort each other and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
Be honest, kind, and respectful. These are keys to any healthy relationship. When you respect another’s opinion, even if it is contrary to your own, and “agree to disagree” on a topic, you can still maintain a friendship.
Communicate. Good communication is comprised of both talking and listening. Ask questions to show genuine interest. Be open and honest. Be yourself.
Be loyal. A trustworthy and dependable friend is a treasure. In good times and hard times, aspire to be available when your friend needs you.
In essence, aim to be the type of person others want to be around—someone who is kind, caring, interesting, and interested in others.
If finding and keeping good friends is important to you, make it a priority to invest time and energy into the connections you have or develop new ones. By fostering friendships, you are investing in a more joy-filled, enriching, and satisfying life—for yourself and others.
