In any romantic relationship, there’s the potential to be hurt or rejected. But those fears are often compounded when you’ve had parents who’ve split up. If you’re an adult child of divorce, you may be curious to know if their broken bond affects how you choose to date—or don’t—and why you do what you do in relationships.
In essence: Does your parents’ divorce affect your dating life now?
Studies have shown that adult children of divorce have a significantly higher fear of being hurt or rejected than adults from intact family backgrounds.[1] Other singles find it hard to trust, have problems with commitment, or struggle with communication in dating relationships. But you may not have experienced these setbacks. That’s because we all handle stress and trauma differently.
For those who struggle with relationships, it may be worth learning to do things differently so you can love and be loved in healthier ways.
A bit about my story
I’ve never been married. And I’ve wondered at times if my parents’ divorce has affected the way I’ve approached dating or the type of men I’ve chosen in past relationships.
My parents split up the summer after middle school. I was 14.
Prior to that, I grew up in an intact family with my mom, dad, and three siblings in suburban Milwaukee, Wisconsin. We had a ranch house on an acre of land with a huge backyard to play in. Where our land ended the forest began, and the possibilities of fun amongst the tall trees were endless.
When I was about 11 years old, our family started unraveling. My parents argued often and there was loud fighting and tension in the home. This went on for three years, and it was hard to find peace. There’s more to the story, but to this day, I don’t know what specifically tore our family apart. I do know that as a child, I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I now lived with one parent—and I would only see the other parent once a week. I was sad, confused, and unclear how to navigate the chaos as a middle school child.
Dating struggles
Let’s look at a few unhealthy traits that some singles of divorced parents exhibit in dating relationships and what you can do differently.
Maybe you date cautiously—or not at all—because you’re afraid that if you start something it will just end; you don’t think your relationship will last. Or, you may feel abandoned by a parent and choose to date someone who has commitment issues—or you’re commitment-phobic yourself.
Perhaps you grew up with uncertainty and anxiety, or you were shuttled between two households for visitations, and you struggle with one or more of these characteristics in dating:
- Being too clingy
- Trust issues
- Difficulty building emotional closeness
- Uncertain how to resolve conflict
- Unclear what healthy “love” looks like
- Fear of commitment
Do any of these traits sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. It’s understandable that children who go through turmoil and distress try to find ways to cope. It’s all they know—until they learn better ways to handle their emotions.
Thankfully, you don’t have to remain stuck in your woundedness.
Just because your parents’ marriage didn’t work out doesn’t mean that your relationships will crash too. You can make different choices. You can learn how to have healthier communication and interactions in dating and in a future marriage.
Lessons learned
Divorce is hard for everyone involved—the parents, the kids, extended family, and friends. For me, it was sad because it was the end of my family as I’d always known it.
It took me years to learn that I needed to grieve the loss, feel the pain and ask God to help me heal. He offers comfort, peace, and new strength through prayer, reading the Bible, and spending time in His presence—in praise or in quiet stillness. The Lord renews our hearts and minds and helps us to move forward.
In addition, I felt like my identity was scarred because I was from a “broken home.” I didn’t think a good church guy would want to date me. Back then, in our church circle, it was very uncommon to have divorced parents. Thankfully, I came to understand that I was worthy of love, and the right person wouldn’t be put off by my family background; he would accept me.
Growing up, I didn’t witness a positive and healthy marriage, so it was eye-opening to see one firsthand as a young adult.
When I was in college, a friend invited me to her family’s home for dinner. To my surprise, her father prayed before the meal. He listened to each person at the table. We talked and laughed, and no one argued. He thanked his wife for the delicious dinner. And he was affectionate with her—even putting his arm around her in the kitchen when she finished the dishes.
While those things may seem ordinary to you, to me they were startling. At the time, I had never seen such caring and kindness, not only in another family but also extended to me, as a guest.
I decided then that I wanted to learn more about how to have healthier relationships of all kinds, romantic and otherwise.
What can you do differently?
If you’re an adult child of divorced parents who struggles in relationships, you can find ways to become an emotionally stronger person and have more solid and supportive romantic relationships. Here are some helpful ideas to consider:
- Trauma affects people in different ways. Every situation is different, and not every child of divorce will react the same way to hurt and stress. For instance, you may feel abandoned and have a hard time with rejection, while someone else will mask his or her feelings and pretend nothing is wrong.
- Learn to forgive. Forgiveness helps us to release bitterness and resentment. I’ve learned that Christ has forgiven me, He asks us to forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15), and He provides us with the power to do so. Remember, when you forgive, you’re not letting the other person “off the hook,” you’re letting God deal with him or her. He is the God of both love and justice.
- Learn to trust. When you’ve been around people who don’t keep their word or lie, it can be difficult to believe a dating partner will be different. Take time to get to know someone, and as you experience him or her keeping promises (even small ones), trust is built.
- Know your true worth and identity. Self-worth comes from God, not other people—whether they are your parents, friends, boyfriend or girlfriend, or others. In God’s eyes, you are enough and you are worth being loved well. Grasping God’s amazing love for you will positively transform your life, empowering you to better love yourself and others.
- Build communication skills. One of the most important things in any relationship is good communication: learning how to talk and listen, asking questions and being present to hear the answers, and discovering how to resolve conflict in healthy ways.
- Find help. If you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, or other challenges while getting over your parents’ divorce, or you want to learn what’s blocking you from having good relationships, consider speaking with a Christian counselor or mental health professional to help you move forward.
Most importantly, trust in God’s love and care for you. Believe His promises are true. You can release your worries to Him and find relief. The Lord cares about you—and your love life. Here are two encouraging verses:
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)
You can choose to put your love life, and your whole life, in God’s hands and do things differently than your parents did. With the Lord’s help, you can build a solid self-esteem as you learn your true worth and identity in Christ. You can find new ways of dealing with emotions, learning to trust, and finding the confidence to have fulfilling and secure connections. By doing so, you’ll become better at knowing who you are and what you want in a relationship.
No matter what you’ve experienced in childhood, healthy and lasting love is possible with the Lord’s help and strength.
“…but with God all things are possible.”
Matthew 19:26
[1] Effects of Parental Divorce on Adult Relationships, Warren Bowles III, McKendree University
