Have you ever been so hurt, rejected, criticized, or ignored that you emotionally shut down? 

Maybe you finally decided to open up and be your authentic self with the person you were dating, only to get dumped. You felt like your heart was discarded, stomped on, and shattered into a thousand pieces. 

Or someone else—a friend, a relative, a co-worker—wounded you with words. And you never want to feel that kind of pain again.

Whether it was a bad breakup, the loss of a friendship, or another type of emotional wounding, the walls of self-protection began to go up around your heart. Brick by brick. Until the walls are so high that you become distant—cool and aloof—especially to the advances of a member of the opposite sex. Or maybe you’re friendly and nice to him, but on the inside your heart is completely closed. 

Perhaps you even said to yourself, “No one will ever hurt me like that again.”

Of course, your natural reaction is to protect yourself. But in your efforts to never get hurt again, you’re unaware that the walls of self-protection not only block out the bad, but they also prevent good things from coming into your life—like the joy of positive and healthy relationships.

In your efforts to stay emotionally safe, you self-protect by not getting close to people or not readily trusting others, or holding parts of yourself back so no one gets to know the real you.

Is there a way to “guard your heart” and still remain open to love and relationships?

The concept of guarding your heart comes from the Bible’s book of Proverbs. In chapter four, Solomon, the wise king, gives fatherly advice to his son and lays out the way of wisdom. 

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Here, we learn to safeguard the most precious part of ourselves. To “guard” means to keep watch with diligence. It’s another way of saying you’re protecting yourself from things or people who could potentially harm you.  

Proverbs 4 goes on to say that the way we guard our hearts is by considering what we say and do. It shapes our characters and the condition of our emotions and actions.

Like a strainer that filters out unwanted items, you can choose what to allow into your heart and mind and what to keep out. For instance, Proverbs 4: 24-27 shows us: 

•    Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Watch what you say. Speak words that are encouraging and uplifting.

•    Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Watch what you expose yourself to on TV, movies, social media, and other screens. Filter what goes into your mind.

•    Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil. Watch what you think about because your thoughts determine your actions, and where your feet will lead you.

If “everything you do” flows from the condition of your heart, as the Proverbs verse says, then you’ll want to keep that source unpolluted, clean and pure, like a clear mountain river. 

How to guard your heart without being too guarded 
You probably know someone who has so many emotional walls that she rarely shares anything about herself. She’s afraid to be open. Perhaps she hides her guardedness with laughter or superficial topics of conversation. Her innermost self has maximum security around it, so it’s hard to get close. 

To be sure, sometimes relationships can be daunting and it can be scary to let others know the real you. But don’t build walls so high around yourself that no one can scale them and grow to care about or love you. 

In addition, you don’t have to let just anyone into the deepest parts of yourself. That’s where discernment comes in to determine who is safe, whom you can trust, and who will accept you as you are. 

Here are some key ways to protect your heart, and also become more open to love—and to life: 

•    Let God be the protector of your heart. Don’t try to self-protect and do it all on your own. Ask Him to heal your brokenness and show you how to become more real with others. 

•    Learn to be more vulnerable. Showing others your true self starts with choosing wisely what to share and with whom. You don’t have to tell everyone everything. You don’t need to be perfect, just be perfectly you. 

•    Take your time getting to know someone new, whether it’s a date or a friendship. Often, we trust others too soon. Let the other person demonstrate that he or she is trustworthy and learn to trust over time. For instance, let’s say a guy asks you out and says he will meet you at a coffee place at a certain time. He shows up on time. You learn that you can trust his word. He says he will call you, and he calls. Trust is building. You choose to be yourself, and he accepts you. More trust is built. And so on.

In essence, guarding your heart is about filtering what you watch and hear, filling your mind with God’s truth, and praying for wisdom and discernment to take wise risks in relationships.

The results? 

You know your true worth and value. 

You understand that your heart is worth being protected—by God, not by you. 

You have emotional boundaries and learn to discern when to let your walls down and allow others to get close to you. 

You are free from fear. Trust is restored. Peace resides in your life again. 

And because you’re not so closed off and unapproachable, you’ll have better relationships—with yourself and with others. 

Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” The Lord is your faithful Defender.

Follow the way of God’s wisdom; let Him guard and protect your heart. With His power at work in your life, you can feel emotionally safe in relationships of all kinds—and choose to let love in. 

Jackie M. Johnson is an author and blogger who writes inspiring content on growing a better life, the power of prayer, and encouragement for singles. Jackie has a heart to encourage single adults of all ages, and she has led numerous small groups and Bible studies for singles. Her books include the breakup recovery guide, When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty, Power Prayers for Women, and Praying with Power When Life Gets Tough. Connect with Jackie at JackieJohnsonCreative.com.