Question: Dr. Dobson, I have a very unhappy and miserable neighbor who can't get along with anybody. She has fought with everyone she knows at one time or another. I decided that I was going to make friends with her if it was humanly possible, so I went out of my way to be kind and compassionate. I thought I had made progress toward this goal until she knocked on the front door one day and attacked me verbally. She had misunderstood something I said to another neighbor, and she came to my house to "tell me off." This woman said all the mean things she could think of, including some very insulting comments about my children, husband and our home. I was agitated by her attempt to hurt me when I had tried to treat her kindly, and I reacted with irritation. We stood arguing with each other at the front door and then she left in a huff. I feel bad about the conflict now, but I don't know if I could handle it better today. What should have been my reaction?

Answer: Perhaps you realize that you missed the greatest opportunity you will probably ever have to accomplish your original objective of winning her friendship. It is difficult to convince someone of your love and respect during a period of shallow amicability. By contrast, your response to a vicious assault can instantly reveal the Christian values by which you live.

What if you had said, for example, "Mary, I don't know what you heard about me, but I think there's been a misunderstanding of what I said.  Why don't you come in and we'll talk about it over a cup of coffee."  Everything that you had attempted to accomplish through the previous months might have been achieved on that morning. I admit that it takes great courage and maturity to return kindness for hostility, but we are commanded by Jesus to do just that.  He said in Matthew 5:43-44: "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'  But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

I wish that I had been mature enough to have shown this spirit of Christ to the angry man in the floral shop. As I look back on the incident, I can understand much more clearly what caused its occurrence. There are three or four holidays during the year which are most difficult for a florist, and Easter is one of them. This poor man was probably exhausted from overwork and too little sleep. The hour that I arrived (5:00 p.m. Saturday) represented the point of greatest fatigue, but also maximum demands from the customers. I don't excuse his offensive behavior, but it had a definite cause which I should have comprehended.

I see him now, from the perspective of 10 years hence, as a hardworking fellow who was trying to earn a living and support his family. Jesus loves that man, and I must do the same. How I wish I had revealed the love of my heavenly Father in that moment of supreme opportunity!

What do you have to say to the many people who sincerely try to control their anger, but who get irritated and frustrated and still lose their temper time and time again? How can they bring this area under control? Or is it impossible?

I stated before that God dealt with me about my attitudes over a period of several years. He gave me gentle but firm leadership during that time, chastising me when I failed and speaking to me through the things I read, heard and experienced. But finally, there in the floral shop it all came to a head. As I said earlier, it seemed in that moment of conflict that the Lord asked, "Are you going to obey me or not?"

It has been my observation that the Lord often leads us in a patient and progressively insistent manner. It begins with a mild sense of condemnation in the area where God wants us to grow and improve. Then as time goes by, a failure to respond is followed by a sense of guilt and awareness of divine disapproval. This stage leads to a period of intense awareness of God's requirements. We hear His message revealed (perhaps unwittingly) by the pastor on Sunday morning and in the books we read and even in secular programs on radio and television.  It seems as though the whole world is organized to convey the same decree from the Lord. And finally, we come to a crisis point where God says, "You understand what I want. Now do it!"

Growth in the Christian life depends on obedience in those times of crisis. The believer who refuses to accept the new obligation despite unmistakable commandments from God is destined to deteriorate spiritually. From that moment forward, he begins to drift away from his Master. But for the Christian who accepts the challenge, regardless of how difficult it may be, his growth and enlightenment are assured.

John Henry Jowett said, "The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you." This means that the Lord won't demand something of you which he doesn't intend to help you implement.

I hope that this reply will be of encouragement to those who are facing struggles in this and related matters of self-control. The Christian experience is not an easy way of life-in no instance does the Bible teach that it is. Considerable discipline is required to love our enemies and maintain a consistent prayer life and exercise sexual control and give of our income to the work of the Lord—to name but a few of the many important areas of Christian responsibility.

God doesn't expect instant maturity in each of these matters, but He does require consistent growth and improvement. The beautiful part is that we are not abandoned to struggle in solitude; the Holy Spirit "pities us as a father pities his child" (see Ps., 103:13), tenderly leading and guiding us in the paths of righteousness.

From Dr. Dobson’s book Emotions: Can You Trust Them?