Question: My little boy always wants to know just how far I will let him go. Once he has tested me and found I’m serious about what I say, he’ll usually cooperate at that point. What is going on in his mind?
Answer: Your child, like most other kids, has a great need to know where behavioral boundaries are and who has the courage to enforce them. Let me illustrate how that works.
Years ago, during the early days of the progressive-education movement, an enthusiastic theorist decided to take down the chain-link fence that surrounded the nursery school yard. He thought the children would feel more freedom of movement without that visible barrier surrounding them. When the fence was removed, however, the boys and girls huddled near the center of the play yard. Not only did they not wander away, they didn’t even venture to the edge of the grounds. Clearly, there is a security for all of us in defined boundaries. That’s why a child will push a parent to the point of exasperation at times. She’s testing the resolve of the mother or father and exploring the limits of her world.
Do you want further evidence of this motivation? Consider the relationships within a family where the dad is a firm but loving disciplinarian, the mother is indecisive and weak, and the child is a strong-willed spitfire. Notice how the mother is pushed, challenged, sassed, disobeyed, and insulted—but the father can bring order with a word or two. What is going on here? The child simply understands and accepts Dad’s strength. The limits are clear. There is no reason to test him again. But Mom has established no rules, and she is fair game for a fight every day, if necessary.
The very fact that your child accepts the boundaries you have set tells you that he or she respects you. That youngster will still test the outer limits occasionally to see if the “fence” is still there.
From Dr. James Dobson’s book, Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide.
