Question #1: Where do children learn to think highly of their mothers? Who sets the pattern for their young minds, positioning Mom as a much-loved and respected member of the family—instead of being chief cook and scrub lady?
Answer: The best public-relations agent for Mom—is Dad. Fathers can wield tremendous influence over what children think of their mothers, or of women in general. Early in my marriage to Shirley, I learned that occasional irritation between us quickly reflected itself in the behavior of our children. They seemed to feel, “If Dad can argue with Mom, then we can, too.” I learned how important it was to express love and admiration for my wife, even when there were issues that we needed to iron out beyond their gaze. In short, my attitudes became the attitudes of my children, which I now know to be typical.
In a world that often discounts the contribution of women, especially stay at home moms, it’s up to us as husbands to say in a dozen ways, “Your mother is a wonderful woman! She works hard and deserves tremendous credit for what she gives to us all. As far as I’m concerned, she’s number one!”
Kids will quickly recognize the respect shown by a father and reflect it in their attitudes and behavior. It is a public-relations assignment that only a dad can perform.
(From Dr. James Dobson’s book, Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide.)
Question #2: Dr. Dobson, what has been your greatest challenge as a father? What did you learn from it?
Answer: Raising healthy, well-educated, self-disciplined children who love God and their fellow human beings is, I believe, the most challenging responsibility in living. Not even rocket science can approach it for complexity and unpredictability. And of course, the job is even more difficult today when the culture undermines and contradicts everything Christian parents are trying to accomplish at home. Fortunately, we are not asked to do everything perfectly as moms and dads. Our kids usually manage to survive our mistakes and failures and turn out better than we have any right to boast about.
I certainly made my share of mistakes as a father. Like millions of other men of my era, I often had a tough time balancing the pressure of my profession with the needs of my family. Not that I ever became an “absentee father,” but I did struggle at times to be as accessible as I should have been. As it happened, my first book, The New Dare to Discipline, was published the same week that our second child, Ryan, arrived. A baby always turns a house upside down, but the reaction to my book added to the turmoil. I was a full-time professor at a medical school, and yet I was inundated by thousands of letters and requests of every sort. There was no mechanism to handle this sudden notoriety. I remember flying to New York one Thursday night, doing seventeen television shows and press interviews in three days, and returning to work on Monday morning. It was nothing short of overwhelming.
My father, who always served as a beacon in dark times, saw what was happening to me and wrote a letter that was to change my life. First, he congratulated me on my success, but then he warned that all the success in the world would not compensate if I failed at home. He reminded me that the spiritual welfare of our children was my most important responsibility and that the only way to build their faith was to model it personally and then to stay on my knees in prayer. That couldn’t be done if I invested every resource in my profession. I have never forgotten that profound advice.
It eventually led to my resignation from the university and to the development of a ministry that permitted me to stay at home. I quit accepting speaking requests, started a radio program that required no travel, and refused to do “book tours” or accept other lengthy responsibilities that would take me away from my family. As I look back on that era today, I am so grateful that I chose to preserve my relationship with my children. The closeness that we enjoy today can be traced to that decision to make time for them when they needed me most. I could easily have made the greatest mistake of my life at that time.
I’m sure many fathers will read this response and find themselves today where I was back then. If you are one of them, I urge you to give priority to your family. Those kids around your feet will be grown and gone before you know it. Don’t let the opportunity of these days slip away from you. No professional accomplishment or success is worth that cost. When you stand where I am today, the relationship with those you love will outweigh every other good thing in your life.
(From Dr. Dobson’s book, Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide.)
